The legacy I want to leave behind.. Inspired by life lessons..

The legacy I want to leave behind.. Inspired by life lessons... 
     Its one thing to have served this great country of the USA . I proudly served and suffered and cried and watched horrific things like fires , like death of shipmates, burials at sea, tragedies on shore duty , the suicides the dui deaths, the accidental friendly fires the tragedies of military life. I saw it all.from the great times in boot camp.to the tragic times in the Persian Gulf and middle east. I saw it all I lived it all and I survived it all, But while in the Navy we were tough to be strong, taught to be un moved by death , destruction and tragedies,, we would pray do our ceremonies, then turn two,, go back to work,, i mean we had no choice, we had to stand the watch.. and alot of did t for 2 years 4 years 10 years,and in my case 20 years.. At times it felt like time flew by and other times it felt like an eternity. But we carried on.. and I'm proud of that time in my life.. 
   Now comes mid life crisis.. something i have been battling since I retired in 2012.. I have struggled with civilian life, struggled with relationships within my family and struggled to find myself.. I know time is marching on.. I  have maybe 20- 30 years left maybe more? Only God knows,, but I know I enjoyed my youth and my military years, but I also realize my time on earth is counting and each day I sleep and wake up i know Im closer to being with the Lord.. I also know I have a family and wife that needs me. not to be a young looking , fancy dancing sweet talking man.. but a man that hs passion, principles and a mission to live for his family. I know that my boys want a dad that works hard and says what he means and  does what he says. Not be flaky or wavering like I have been. Why? because when I retired I became insecure , i became unsure I lost trust in people i lost my purpose. In others i was a lost soul searching for attention, searching for purpose searching for meaning. so I danced , i joked I worked out to lose weight and look better than i did in the navy. But my mind and soul was not at ease. I was restless , I was foolish I was lost.. and it affected everything in my life  my family , my relationships , my faith. It all got distorted ,, twisted and perverted, and because of that I hurt many people my family my closest friends. God? I did foolish things and i hurt myself an my image. But you know life is a journey , its a challenge to live its a challenge to do the right thing.. I struggled and I suffered through many rough times .. and said many mean and awful things to people I love and care about. But like I said I was lost I was confused I was in desperation to find answers and now after such pains and miseries and self reflection I found out that ,, Family is what I want and respect and trust is what I want to earn , not demand, like anything in life,, you have to earn your love from people , you cant buy it , you cant imagine it you have to be sincere , humble and truthful with your emotions,, and for those that I deceived that I used and abused for my own self satisfaction i'm sorry and I hope through time you can forgive me and give me a second chance to be a true real person. It wont be easy because we are emotional beings and we often recall the bad times over the good ones,, But starting today I pledge to God , my family , my friends to be real. to be sincere and to be forgiving so that people can do that for me.. You cant expect forgiveness if your not willing to do the same. The legacy I want to leave before I die,, is I want to be a great father that provided a home and  life lessons to my boys and to stand by my wife no matter what.. the hard times , the storms, the good times and  the life together, I want to be remembered as a man that taught his sons to be strong and to live happy and to love your special someone no matter what,, Its what you call unconditional love.. its hard because we all have egos. we all have needs and when your special someone has different needs or different dreams to attain.. As a husband or wife, you put aside your life your insecurities because they did that for you, its what a loving family does,, they give and take,, and take and give,. you take it like one of my close friends told me one day, Take it,, and embrace it because its God's plan.. it easier to quit than to fight and God knows,, I wanted to quit many times, But I found that inner passion that desire to keep fighting for my family , for my wife for my friendships.. I was often hurt and offended by what some of my friends said and did to me.. But its all in the process of healing and growing up.. Yes growing..up.. as much as I enjoy staying in shape and looking and dressing good, I know one day its over.. you become old, you become a grandparent you become a elder statesmen that the youngster look to for advice and life lessons. I know I have held on to my youth by using age defying products and taking age enhancement meds to ensure a younger and stronger me.. and at times, i feel i have had crazy side effects like , inpatience, irritability , emotional roller coaster feelings , it has been a war of the roses with my emotions and my state of mind.. But I finally realized after loneliness self reflection and self examination , that I have to be a better role model for my kids, and be the man my wife envisioned me to be when she devoted her life to me.. I need to realize that life is going by and my image and perception by family is very important because its what has made me what I am.. A proud parent with wonderful boys and a patient oh God Very Patient wife that works hard and has dreams of her own. I want to do the things I used to do like write blogs.. I miss you all its been a long time,, But now that I'm back. Expect alot of blogs.. life lessons.. Black beauty updates,, Football stories,, my sons and professional football, boxing MMA stories,, muscle cars. movies,, songs,, performers,, etc, anything that enriches me life,, I hope to share my my fans,, I Miss you all and I plan to be there for my family , friends and the fans of the Source.. if anything that past few years have been humbling and a revelation , a rebirth and ressurection for bigger and better things.. May God Bless my family and May all of you find that inner peace that I have finally found through prayer , meditation and self discovery..
THE SOURCE PRODUCTIONS @ 2016

My worst enemy is me? Inspired by someone I know.

My worst enemy is me? Inspired by someone I know..
   When it comes o enemies,,We all know the ones at work that hate us or the ones that hated us in school or even family. But how about if your the worst enemy in your life?
   ok.. Lets say theres this guy one moment hes the coolest guy around and then something words, phrases, songs, what makes him go beserk.. crazy just say crazy thoughts or feelings. Would you be friends with them , would you empathize with them.. or just tolerate them.. I know this guy deep down inside is this shy insecure , kid that longs for love , longs for companionship.. whats ironic is that he tells his friends I don't want to be like his dad.. a drunk, lying , son of a bitch, a cold hearted man that is selfish and self centered and needy. Whats tough,, after a lifetime of living my friend had become his worst enemy he became that dad that was flity that was drunk at parties and seeking attention with his navy stories, some funny some disgusting.. But because this guy loves attention so much.. attention whore was the label his wife called him.. but lets think about the wife..She had to endure a lifetime of heart aches of embarassments of insincerity of lies, of being whatever.. patient , oh hell yea,, understanding , maybe? Now what to do? Well what do you tell a guy or girl,, that knows the way they are is destroying their relationship , marriage, bonds with kids, because its tearing apart trust , love and respect and once thats gone? What to do?Counseling sessions, prayers, self reflecions , big changes are needed ad this guy seeks advice , but the problem is everyone he talks too has different personalities and opinions,, so instead of deciding what to do,, he gets more confused, more frustrated, more crazy? He seeks advice because he doesn't trust his own judgement or maybe because hes so insecure he cant face reality? Or maybe or more likely he has such a great ego,,, he cant face the facts , he neglected , and took for granted the best thing in his life. his wife, I know when he first met her , he thought the world of her and to be honest he still does,, But because his ego, his pride his stubborness is holding back how they feel about one another , they say mean things they threaten each other with actions and then have resentful feelings about things thay imagine ir not is happening,,, games people play when in love? Or is it more two people that are so hust from the past relationships they are taking out on one another because they are still there? WHY? MAY BECAUSE THEY ARE CRAZY AND MENTAL,.. BOTH trying to seek redemption , seek happiness or hurt the one thats been there for them..I mean. isnt it true the one you love the most is also the ones you can hurt you the most. Why? because they know what buttons or words to say to make them mad and angry. But how much is enough 1 year , 2 years , 3 years of emotional hell? On the guys point he feels he has tried to make things work out on the girls part , once the love and trust and respect is gone,, why bother? I say , we are human we all make mistakes and we all need forgiveness for one another. If not the hate and bitterness will stay with you forever. My friend knows that when his mama died he was angry at God , the world , his life. he had a bitter attitude and often showed with his words and actions,, Yea he may have smiled and joked but when provoked he was a monster. and for years he hated ...that until he let go of that anger and lived again.
   In this case , my friend yearns for forgiveness yearns for happiness yearns for acceptance, He loves his family and his wife, but his ego, his self righteounius m arrogance and prudent attitude has alienated his wife , his family , his friends, he knows he has issues, and has made steps to correct them. But it seems once he takes that step forward , his attitude or inmaturity puts him back more steps
       The lesson learned , is that everyday in life you should look to improve yourself , look to say good things to your wife and family and look to God for guidiance, And when you do argue or fight,,, try to calm it down immediately,, Letting things go only creates resentment , hatred and a break down in communication.. Its tough to learn such lessons so late in life or in a trouble marriage,, Can it be saved,, Only those two can do that and God knows,, whats in store,, My advice to my friend,reach out to God and reach out to his wife and family though a letter through talking , because is the only way to understand whats going on? I feel for my friend because he knows he has issues , but doesnt try hard enough to resolve them.. He needs to make a effort every day and stick to those steps or techniques.. In life , you have opportunities to create good memories,, and as time goes by and you get older those chances get less and less especially with kids The parties, the gatherings , the dinners, the events like concerts or family parties, or playing football video games or shooting guns,, Whatever the activity,,, enjoy them because as they grow older.. Those special times are fewer and fewer.. Taking time out to be with family is so special because time flies by so fast and I'm hoping my friend find his truth or happiness , and not use alcohol , drugs or smoking to relieve the emotional hell he has put himself, his family and friends,, In the end.. everyone wants resolution and a solution to their issues, because its not helping their own state of mind or emotional health,, My friend needs to take a deep inner take on himself and decide if his mid life crisis , his longing to be young again interfere with his dreams of raising a happy family and enjoying what God has given him. A loving and caring wife and wonderful kids that are dying watching their parents fight and bicker. One of them needs to be the better man or woman and reach out and talk.. or the pain and suffering and emotional hell will only tear apart the family and each other.
THE SOURCE PRODUCTIONS @2016