The legacy I want to leave behind.. Inspired by life lessons..

The legacy I want to leave behind.. Inspired by life lessons... 
     Its one thing to have served this great country of the USA . I proudly served and suffered and cried and watched horrific things like fires , like death of shipmates, burials at sea, tragedies on shore duty , the suicides the dui deaths, the accidental friendly fires the tragedies of military life. I saw it all.from the great times in boot camp.to the tragic times in the Persian Gulf and middle east. I saw it all I lived it all and I survived it all, But while in the Navy we were tough to be strong, taught to be un moved by death , destruction and tragedies,, we would pray do our ceremonies, then turn two,, go back to work,, i mean we had no choice, we had to stand the watch.. and alot of did t for 2 years 4 years 10 years,and in my case 20 years.. At times it felt like time flew by and other times it felt like an eternity. But we carried on.. and I'm proud of that time in my life.. 
   Now comes mid life crisis.. something i have been battling since I retired in 2012.. I have struggled with civilian life, struggled with relationships within my family and struggled to find myself.. I know time is marching on.. I  have maybe 20- 30 years left maybe more? Only God knows,, but I know I enjoyed my youth and my military years, but I also realize my time on earth is counting and each day I sleep and wake up i know Im closer to being with the Lord.. I also know I have a family and wife that needs me. not to be a young looking , fancy dancing sweet talking man.. but a man that hs passion, principles and a mission to live for his family. I know that my boys want a dad that works hard and says what he means and  does what he says. Not be flaky or wavering like I have been. Why? because when I retired I became insecure , i became unsure I lost trust in people i lost my purpose. In others i was a lost soul searching for attention, searching for purpose searching for meaning. so I danced , i joked I worked out to lose weight and look better than i did in the navy. But my mind and soul was not at ease. I was restless , I was foolish I was lost.. and it affected everything in my life  my family , my relationships , my faith. It all got distorted ,, twisted and perverted, and because of that I hurt many people my family my closest friends. God? I did foolish things and i hurt myself an my image. But you know life is a journey , its a challenge to live its a challenge to do the right thing.. I struggled and I suffered through many rough times .. and said many mean and awful things to people I love and care about. But like I said I was lost I was confused I was in desperation to find answers and now after such pains and miseries and self reflection I found out that ,, Family is what I want and respect and trust is what I want to earn , not demand, like anything in life,, you have to earn your love from people , you cant buy it , you cant imagine it you have to be sincere , humble and truthful with your emotions,, and for those that I deceived that I used and abused for my own self satisfaction i'm sorry and I hope through time you can forgive me and give me a second chance to be a true real person. It wont be easy because we are emotional beings and we often recall the bad times over the good ones,, But starting today I pledge to God , my family , my friends to be real. to be sincere and to be forgiving so that people can do that for me.. You cant expect forgiveness if your not willing to do the same. The legacy I want to leave before I die,, is I want to be a great father that provided a home and  life lessons to my boys and to stand by my wife no matter what.. the hard times , the storms, the good times and  the life together, I want to be remembered as a man that taught his sons to be strong and to live happy and to love your special someone no matter what,, Its what you call unconditional love.. its hard because we all have egos. we all have needs and when your special someone has different needs or different dreams to attain.. As a husband or wife, you put aside your life your insecurities because they did that for you, its what a loving family does,, they give and take,, and take and give,. you take it like one of my close friends told me one day, Take it,, and embrace it because its God's plan.. it easier to quit than to fight and God knows,, I wanted to quit many times, But I found that inner passion that desire to keep fighting for my family , for my wife for my friendships.. I was often hurt and offended by what some of my friends said and did to me.. But its all in the process of healing and growing up.. Yes growing..up.. as much as I enjoy staying in shape and looking and dressing good, I know one day its over.. you become old, you become a grandparent you become a elder statesmen that the youngster look to for advice and life lessons. I know I have held on to my youth by using age defying products and taking age enhancement meds to ensure a younger and stronger me.. and at times, i feel i have had crazy side effects like , inpatience, irritability , emotional roller coaster feelings , it has been a war of the roses with my emotions and my state of mind.. But I finally realized after loneliness self reflection and self examination , that I have to be a better role model for my kids, and be the man my wife envisioned me to be when she devoted her life to me.. I need to realize that life is going by and my image and perception by family is very important because its what has made me what I am.. A proud parent with wonderful boys and a patient oh God Very Patient wife that works hard and has dreams of her own. I want to do the things I used to do like write blogs.. I miss you all its been a long time,, But now that I'm back. Expect alot of blogs.. life lessons.. Black beauty updates,, Football stories,, my sons and professional football, boxing MMA stories,, muscle cars. movies,, songs,, performers,, etc, anything that enriches me life,, I hope to share my my fans,, I Miss you all and I plan to be there for my family , friends and the fans of the Source.. if anything that past few years have been humbling and a revelation , a rebirth and ressurection for bigger and better things.. May God Bless my family and May all of you find that inner peace that I have finally found through prayer , meditation and self discovery..
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