1987- THE FINAL BREAKUP!! INSPIRED BY MY FIRST LOVE

1987- THE FINAL BREAK UP. INSPIRED BY MY FIRST LOVE..
 Yes,, I was a freelancer through out high school , a loner at times, a show off. A misunderstood cast off at times,, But after graduating from High school I was ready to go to college and start another chapter in my life. But this older , much older , much wiser , experienced woman,, took me and swept me off my feet. Yes this 17 yr old Naïve and innocent boy.. so to speak.. I though I was worldly I mean I dated a lot of women and such. But this one really caught my eye..
 She was beautiful , long hair, long legs , tanned body pretty smile.. and a personality that engulfed men and women.. She was thinker , a teaser, a party girl , a strong willed woman. It was something I was ready for ? Or I thought.. WE dated off and on for years.. I thought at one time she was going to be my wife.. My friend Joe pleaded with me to go on,. But I was a dreamer ,, I was a sucker more like it.. I failed at my acting career and my ego was hurt,. SHe with her mini skirts and great looks made me feel manly , made me feel superior.. But how that was all a joke?? She put me through hell and back, and like a lost puppy I kept staying in this unhealthy relationship..
 Until 1987.. IT ended and it ended like no other relationship before that time. I have been through break out over the phone or the lame ass Dear John letters, I have had the face to face I hate you and we were never menat for each other and such. But this ending was brutal.. Because I thought , she was the one.,.I thought despite our differences, We could make it work.. But I realized , you cant force a woman to love you or have a connection. Women know from the get go,, He's a friend , he's a Lover , He's a piece of meat,, etc. etc.. But men like men at that time,, thought . Oh. I will be more like the guy she wants me too. I will learn her way ,m listen to her musics.. But You know something, when you do that ,,. your a fake a phony.. and When she realizes that.. SHe will despise you an hate you,, I know I pretended to be that guy,, I changed my hair style, my clothes m my speech,, my persona, But guess what,, Its was a charade , a farce, and when she found out.. It was over.. I know when she wrote that down one time in my bedroom.. IT was a sad truth I wasn't ready for. I asked her What do you mean by that comment? She said,, Its over,, Summer time,, sure, it was But it also meant the end of a long and useless relationship.. In the beginning it was nice ,but we stayed together because it was convenient ,it was useful.. But in some ways it was a waste of time, Why prolong something that has no future,, Just to be friends.. I know we are probably suited to be best friends than lovers, But how can you tell .. the difference.,, We enjoyed each others company, we loved the same music and foods, we had the hobbies,, Dancing , partying, socializing,, But we were lacking one real thing,, that spark, that chemistry that you cant manufacture.. We were better best friends than lovers.. But my ego and my pride,, Were in big conflict,, and Thus,, I ended or we both ended the lover and best friend connection.. I was heartbroken.. I mean imagine have a best friend who you tell everything to.. Just like that end..? It was tough,. The lover part was easy,, because well its just a sexual thing...But the emotional , and psychogical trauma was unbearable.. I got depressed I began to hate older woman, in fact I still do.. I mean ,, I was this young kid,, bright eye and enthusiastic about a acting career? BUT it all went away ,, with those three damn words,, " I LOVE YOU!",, geez,, I thought those were the most poetic thing to say .. But those damn words, Killed my hopes and dreams of a acting show business career. Because my insecurity and lack of faith,.. in GOD? or what,, Its true.. You have to have faith,, I didn't and because of that I lost many years and tear trying to make a relationship work , which was doomed from the beginning..
  Well. lesson learned. I treat woman different now.. I respect them and I realize just because they smile and give you hugs or kisses, it doesn't mean they want sex.. Women.. want to feel a connection, not just a physical one but a emotional and passionate one.. Women want to feel loved m they want reassurance and they want a man to be open and honest , more than anything else,, But it doenst hurt to have the six pack abs and the muscular arms or what.. But woman , great women want to have that connection.. Where. .. What is my man doing? Is he ok? Is he being good? Does he think of me? But most of all does he really love me?
 Love to a women means,, That a man is open and honest about his feelings and very sincere about his intentions,, A man wins a woman's heart not by flashing money or muscles, , a man wins the heart of woman, by sharing his inner thoughts., his ideas, his goals his aspirations,, A man.. who is fake, or a cheater , gains no respect no matter what?
 Life is so lonely,, if you don't have a special someone, but its more lonely if you think you do and its really not?
 Yea.. 1987.. It was a end . and a new beginning. I only wish that timing and destiny would deal me a better fate.. I wasted way too much time in that love affair,, and My reckless years trying to punish woman was not productive also.. But we all hurt, and we all suffer, but I think I suffered more than a lot of you can imagine, and imagine this.......
 Imagine... if I was not waiting time, Partying and having one night affairs and dumping ladies or changing them like I change my profile picture on facebook,, It was another wasted time of my life..
Just Imagine,. if I just stay focused on what I really wanted to do..??
 I wanted to be a performer, a dancer , a comedian. I wanted to be a Actor,, But instead, I acted like a fool chasing girls and making a spectacle of myself.. oh well.. Life and fate dealt me this fate.. and what horrible.. if I would of found a woman in 1987 ,, My whole life would of an could been different.. But fate dealt me a different fate , and to be honest.. Knowing what I know and thinking about it.. just makes me wonder ,, Is my life really that great? I know you cant change destiny or what and who really knows the future,, But one thing is for sure today.. when 1987 CAME INTO MY MIND.. it was a year that I should done more than be a play boy and heartbreaker, to make other woman feel the pain that this older , woman did to me.. Karma , is something else,, and to think,, now at this point of my life,. I discovered.. Sometimes, knowing something that could of been>? Is really a
curse in it self.. What if? I .. just lived my life and let the good times find me,.. Instead of,, Hurting myself and others because the Love of my life was nothing but a older , wiser and cruel woman that created such pain and misery.,, that I still feel in my persona.. Sure I dance , I laugh,.. I cry,, I write.. But.. Am I really Happy? Did I really find true happiness in life.. ? Or Am I being teased by the almighty one,, about what could have or should have happened..
 1987.. IT was number that just got stucked in my head, and its a year I should of started looking for women that would help me become more confident and secure,, Then those ghetto girls , those bar girls, those drinking , mini skirt wearing air heads that think, Idf I look good anf feel good drinking alcohol, My life is complete.. .. yea right.. The only thing that's complete is your belief that if I hurt people that pain in my heart will go away..
 But the lesson learned was this?> The only thing that went away was a chance to find true love.. and true happiness,, Don't get me wrong.I'm happy with my life,, But ??? Am I truly happy? Is anyone ?
I compromised my career and my life to find temporary happiness... But now I realized more than ever.. YOU REALLY CANT CREATE A CONNECTION with someone.. Either you have it or you don't!! 1987,,,, Things could have been different if???? But chances are..I'm being dealt a different fate and I have to accept it. whatever that means?? Be happy , because despite the trial and tribulations I have gone through.. I was sent a Angel that changed my life and given me more than I could ever imagine,, Now .. is it a Angel of love,, or is it this Angel of Mercy that is enticing me to do what I do?? I made the choice and Now I have to live with it.. Or will those hangups and misfortunes that haunted me in the past come back and do it again?? Lord I hope not, I know I cant deal with any more breakups of family or friends.. But then again Life goes on.. if you let it..
until my next blog.. Be good and always strive for what you want!!
THE SOURCE PRODCUTIONS @2013