I'm so different..? Inspired By my sister,,

I'm so different ..? Inspired by my sister ...
 I'm so different ?...Ever since I was that young boy growing up in the rough and tough South San Diego.. I always wanted to be different.. I wanted to wear my clothes different I wanted to wear my hair different. Sure I had that traditional feather back Farrah Fawcett majors hair style ., But I added a twist I added a tail,., what is that? Its basically another long piece of hair coming from the back of my hair.. Weird yeah,, maybe.. But I always wanted attention.. Good or bad. I wanted or still do want people to look or take a extra look at me. Its didn't matter girl or boy.. I know it sounds gay or what , but I feel we all want to be wanted or loved.. Man or woman.. When someone says your good at something .. Its a boost to your ego , your pride your existence,, I mean we all want to feel like we are contributing to life , to humanity.. I know when I was growing in my Jr and High school days.. My fellow Mayans and Aztecs.. Really didn't know me.. Sure I did my pop locking dances in the hallways or on the school premises.. But a lot of my classmates didn't really know me.. I was like a mystery or a ghost.. I mean I mingled with everyone , but I never stayed around people or groups long enough to let them know me.. Its is sad? Maybe . But its the way I wanted to be,,, I wanted to aloof and yet I wanted to be loved by my classmates.. But no doubt we had great times.. But I also yearned to be more like the rest of you.. But I was.. or still am a dreamer,, a goofy , comedic guy that lived life with great joy and passion. Despite the tragedies and hardships I have gone through , the passing of my wonderful and loving mom.. the passing of my dearest relatives and girl friends.. and of course shipmates lost at sea.. I still go on... We have too.. But at times.. I get sad .. that I didn't open up myself to my classmates in school.. But it was my way to deal with my own versions of reality.. Like I said.. I like to perform.. dance, sing,, tell jokes, stories.. But in order to do that you cant spend time doing the things you all enjoyed.. I was busy acting , pretending and dancing in my garage or bed room.. I Know my beloved mama told me to go out and have fun.. and I did.. But I know a lot of you wished I spent more tine with you.. and to those peeps I shared limited time with,. Joe, Jonas, Rose, Darlene, Liz. Kathy. Anne,George , Virnie, Roger , Alvin , Fred, I know they're are others. But I also know. Its the way I wanted to be,. I don't regret I didn't attend all or partake in all the school functions.. But I was a dreamer I wanted to be a Actor,,, and at times I still think I do.. But that's another blog.. But for this blog.. I just wanted to say that I had a very sensitive and serious side that very few of you knew.. At times .. I wonder if all of you really understood me..I know I was recluse and I could be invisible if I wanted to.. But I also could be like a magnet of attention.. Whether it was pop locking at school dances or doing the splits.. in the hallways of Montgomery Jr high.. I was always a step ahead of being close to anyone.. Maybe that's why I didn't really have a girl friend.. I know a lot of you thought I was gay? Maybe even weird,, ? But I just didn't want to be hooked up to anyone,. and to Liz.. I'M SO SORRY I DIDNT .. take our relationship .. serious.. My fault,, I know at the time I blamed you.. But you were right.. I was like a mystery a ghost.. a lost soul,, Maybe I just needed to get away.. But to be honest.. even after years of growing up and raising kids and loving my wife...and family,.. I realize.. I still feel the same way I felt when I was a kid. I'm selected with whom I hang around with or spend time with.. Because I have my own needs of working out.. reading , writing,.. researching.. Its just me.. I'm different and I know people even to this day ..Really cant understand why I want to be different and why I think the way I do.. Maybe that's why I feel alone at times.. because.. ?? I'm always thinking .. I'm always observing.. and a lot of times. My mind is racing like a Muscle car.. Always trying to get to places fast , no matter what.. That's one thing I know.. I always want answers, I always want resolution.. But I know in life you cant get that. Like The passing of my mama, or the hardships I dealt with in My Navy career or my failed relationships with past girlfriends,.. I guess if anything.. The lost time I should of or could of bonded with family and friends are missed opportunities.. And in life .. missed opportunities of bonding is just that lost time wasted , that can never be brought back,, once you miss a child's birth or a kids first birthday or bike ride,, or driving test,,, those are times I will cherish because I missed out on so many events because of my own personality and the lonely and stressful career choice of the United States Navy,, Nothing great in life just happens ,, You have to work hard to have anything last,, Marriage , friendship, love.... respect,,.. You have to earn it and don't abuse those things to make it special and long lasting.. I'm different? But that's ok..It's the way I supposed to be..
THE SOURCE PRODUCTIONS @2013